A Song called ‘Scream’

It’s haunting me,

Yet again.

 

I’ve nowhere to run,

I’ve no one to ask,

‘Save me, pray.’

 

Distinct sound,

Humming,

It hurts;

Such cry so profound,

‘You lose,’

It says.

 

Darkness prowls,

Night eats and drinks,

Wind gusts but no breach,

‘Where am I?’

To myself,

Sound humming,

Yet again.

 

The wind sings,

Chimes made

From distant strings;

Laughs drumming,

Echoes, they’re mocking,

My body swings

Out of torment.

 

Tears flow,

I’m running,

Towards a room,

Called eighteen,

The door creaks,

My mind unlit,

A loud crash!

The walls bleed,

My hands, my hands,

They tremble;

There I see,

What’s it to be.

 

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Favorite Moment When I Was a Kid # 1

When I was in grade something, I used to ride a jeep going to our school and, as most of the students are, I always liked to ride the shotgun – the seat beside the driver.

One morning, my mom gave me a two-piece KitKat. I love KitKat. It’s not my favorite chocolate but when you’re a kid and they gave you a chocolate you will really feel blessed – although I’m pretty sure that most kids at that age still wouldn’t know what ‘blessed’ means – and as a kid, a week seems a long time so I thought back then that I haven’t eaten KitKat in a long time.

Then, I rode a jeepney going to school and sat at my favorite spot. I didn’t know I forgot to bring my money with me until it was too late. I’m already near our school and it will take me another hour to go back to our house and back again to my school. I remembered I have my precious KitKat with me and I thought, I cannot just go down without paying and I don’t wanna risk fleeing. So, before I got off, I told the driver, “Sir would you mind if I pay you with my KitKat? I forgot my money and this is all I have.” Truth is, I was actually on the verge of crying because I haven’t eaten KitKat for a long time and I wanted to savor it during our recess.

The driver grinned at me and said, “Off you go and take your chocolate with you. You can pay me later.” He smiled as I said, thank you and sorry. It was a relief that he let me off – with my precious KitKat. My point is, when I was a kid, I vowed to myself to be honest, not because I’m a Christian and all that because the truth is I was not a religious kid, but because of the fact that honesty brings you peace. Honesty creates trust. It somehow forms the well-being of a person. Being honest made me feel like I don’t have to hide anything. It helped me out even in the small matters. I never even stole a single coin from my parents’ bag or pocket or wherever they put their money. I guess that’s the reason why I became a straightforward and honest b***h. But I don’t care.

In truth, the moment I decided to lie by hiding the truth, I became paranoid. It wasn’t a good feeling until I let it all out. And I told myself I will never do it again. Chances are when you are an honest person, people will hate you, mock you, despise you. But if you lie to them and they find out about it, they will still treat you the same way – in addition to self-deprivation of truth and peace.

I know most of you hate me now because of the truth that I spoke, the truth that clashes with what you know and what you see. However, if you were in my shoes and hear things spoken about a thing or a person the goodness that others think they see in that particular thing or person and it just doesn’t coincide with the truth that you saw, you would feel exactly the same way I did.

This is where close-mindedness comes in. Many of us only want to hear what they want to hear. As that happens, people tend to disregard the fault of their loved ones and bury it instead of helping that person to confess it and be renewed. I daresay, we cannot solve a problem just by setting it aside and let it steam without really doing anything at all to prevent the steam from spreading and cause more damage. We tend to give a person another chance without even helping that person to make good use of that chance. And that person – knowing that he is well-loved and well-pampered and he doesn’t need any disciplinary action – would tend to forget the fault that he or she had and along with it the lesson that he or she should’ve learned by then.

Somebody told me if a person commits a crime and one is a witness and that witness tends to shut his voice and pretends he didn’t see or notice anything is a criminal himself for hiding the truth. He himself is an accomplice of the criminal.

I may have made a mistake for letting a problem goes on for too long and I got knocked off my head really hard before realizing I should say what I need to say but eventually I spoke up. Ironically, when I did, people hated me. Sometimes, I would want to ask them, which part do you hate? Me, speaking the truth or the fact that your loved one committed the crime?

A Gift on Your Birthday. (A Spoken Poetry)

If it’s only me, I could say in thousand ways that I love you so much.

I could choose to do unimaginable things just to keep us in touch,

For you are in every song I hear; you are in every poem I write.

You are in every love quotes and stories I read and fantasize.

You are in every romantic movie I watch.

 

Every day, I miss how your hand locks with mine

While we watch all those movies until the very last credit line.

My forehead skin aches for your sweet kisses every night

As our frames and limbs intertwine.

Up to now, I am still amazed at how my frail body and your fleshy one fit just right.

 

However, the sunny parts of love stories have to come and pass;

Once in a while, happy endings are not meant to forever last.

We tried to keep our music playing, I kept wishing upon shooting stars.

And kept begging to GOD to give it another try, to give us another chance.

But how can good harmony be played from broken strings of two broken hearts?

 

My love, you chose to break my heart because you want to be better.

It was hard for me to accept that we cannot be together.

Our love is failing and we are falling apart.

Even if we sacrificed a lot to have gone this far,

It wasn’t enough to keep us intact.

 

And as far as I can tell, I’m not the one in your heart anymore.

I do not hunt your mind every day like before.

You no longer light up my phone every single night;

I am no longer the one you want to hug so tight.

Our constant conversations are lost and gone;

I am left behind seeing you have moved on.

 

I’m enclosed with this walls preventing me from being with you again.

I’m breaking my own heart to keep myself hidden from you,

But it’s going to be a lose-lose situation if I choose not to.

I’d rather let you live and keep you being alive,

Than choosing to keep in touch and we will hurt each other as much.

 

I want to be with you and kiss you in both sunny and stormy days.

I want to cuddle with you until the very last movie on our watch list.

I want to watch and criticize with you every recital and every concert you take me to.

I want to star gaze and have long and unending pillow talks with you under a blue moon.

I want to dance with you with our favorite songs playing on.

I want to write and play music with you like we used to do.

 

I tried holding on even on simple things like being friends,

But the harder I close my grip, the easier my fingers slip;

I’m counting every finger I used to hold on to this magic we created.

It’s funny because I must say, for once, I’ve gotten to believe in magic;

But there are always greater things magic cannot break.

I’m down to my last finger, one last chance to say:

 

This is it. I love you and I thank you for everything. Alas, this is the end.

 

N: I wrote this in June last year, 2016. I lost my hard drive November of the same year. I only saved a few of my original spoken and ‘unspoken’ poetry pieces. This is one of them. Thanks to my phone.

I wrote this a few weeks before ‘his’ birthday. I was supposed to perform this on stage and or put it online but I lost my nerve. With everything that came up after, I decided to move this to trash. Yet, as I read and recite this piece again and again, I realized it was then a premonition or something.

Nevertheless, I’m deeply heartbroken at the loss of my hard drive (which was converted to an external device, FYI) and thought that the person who took it might have stumbled upon my literary and music pieces. Mahirap na. It would be plagiarism on that person’s part and fiasco on mine. I wrote this with my heart and I couldn’t afford some thieving monkey getting the credit.

 

 

Another Bite of Reality

I went inside a room where people from our community gathered for a reason I was yet to know. Two different groups were even practicing their cheer dance and one of them was even screaming, “B!” I have no idea what it meant. Just Beeeeeeeee.

Then I saw some people lying on the floor chatting, sleeping and taking a rest with one another. I saw him on the far edge of a bed I was next to.

At first, I couldn’t recognize who he was lying next to. I looked around and saw his friend who, in real life, used to carry a pink Jansport bag and has a hair she loves to dye.

As I come to my senses, I looked back at him, realizing what her presence meant. Lo and behold, the hair-dyer girl’s friend was lying beside him. I suddenly had the urge to come up to him and slap him. Instead, I muster all the patience and courage I had and walked up to him asking straight, “Are you and her -” pertaining to the girl beside her “-already together?” He grinned proudly and said, “Yes.”

I was on the verge of crying. I looked at the girl who was busy chatting with another person beside her and saw that she was wearing a gold band around one of her fingers. I looked back at him and asked, “Why? Why is it that when it was me you were with, you said it’s not yet the right time? [But after just three months of saying things like you still loved me] Why is it that when it was her, it was okay with you even if you broke a lot of rules?”

He just grinned triumphantly that turned into a faint laugh. He made me realize what it all meant. I was not a trophy girlfriend like the one who he is with now. I was not worth fighting for. The other girl was more beautiful and presentable and more dependent on him than I am.

I woke up.

In the wee hours of the morning, I woke up from a dreadful dream I consider as a reality. In my dream, I finally got the answer from the one thing I wanted to ask from him. And I felt more dreadful than ever. But I couldn’t erase the fact that the past is still haunting me.

At least, in my dream, he has the guts to face me and tell the truth.

“Humanap ka ng pangit at ibigin mong tunay.” (Find an ugly person and love him truly.)

A rapper once said, “Humanap ka ng pangit at ibigin mong tunay (Find an ugly person and love that person truly).” The idea was because he thought that ugly people love truer than the ones with good looks.

I met you. I loved you. I trusted you. I adored you.

You broke my heart.

Conclusion: Even the ugly ones (some of them) like you are not trustworthy.  You’re just ugly inside out and I attest to that. You are the ugliest person I have ever met and I am not even talking about looks here.

08.12.17

Tula No. Something Something

Kung dati ay kinikilig ako sa tuwing nakakarinig ako ng love song,

Ngayon ay madali akong mainis

Oo, bitter ako, pero hindi maikakailang nasasaktan rin kasi ako.

 

Ang sakit-sakit.

Ang sakit kayang maiwan ng taong mahal mo.

Ang sakit kayang malamang pinapaasa ka lang niya na babalik pa siya sa iyo.

Ang sakit malamang may iba na siya habang naghihintay ka.

Habang hinihintay mo siyang bumalik sa’yo.

Dahil iyon ang sinabi niya,

“Babalik ako.”

Ang sakit ring marinig sa ibang tao na ang laki mong tanga,

Na kasalanan mo pa ang lahat ng nangyayari sa’yo.

Ang sakit malamang kasama niyang naglaho ang mga akala mong kaibigan mo.

Ang sakit masisi sa isang bagay na hindi mo naman ginawa.

Ang sakit masising ikaw ang idinidiin sa kasalanang siya ang nag-umpisa.

Ang sakit maramdamang hindi pantay ang pagtingin ng mundo sa mga taong nasasaktan at naiiwan.

Ang sakit madamang ako na nga ang nasaktan, ako pa ang may kasalanan.

 

Kaya hindi niyo ako masisisi kung hindi ko nais marinig ang mga kantang iyan.

Lalo na siguro ‘yung kay Ed Sheeran.

 

Oo, bitter ako, dahil hindi ko kinakailang nasasaktan ako.

Nadudurog ang aking puso, natutunaw ang aking isipan, nanghihina ang aking katawan.

Sa tuwing maririnig ko ang mga naglipanang kundiman.

 

My (less than) 10-minute poem for the day. Isinulat ko nga pala habang nagpapatugtog sila ng Ed Sheeran song sa “Benshoppe.”

 

 

The Prophet that Saves the Day

“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but underneath are ravenous wolves. By their fruits you will know them.” – Matthew 7:15-16

I have come to realize that there’s no more point in hiding what truly happened. I am already in the pit of hell because of what he did to me. What is the point of still hiding some darkness left in my heart? For me, this is a true account worth telling – for the young ones, the future lovers and for those who have loved so much even the worst person you ever meet.

I know that in this letter, I would be considered unwise. With all honesty, I am not but I’d rather speak my heart out than let my ideas and principles die along with the memories of the man who threw me onto a havoc. I’d rather speak and save somebody who is about to or is already going through the same thing than encourage the damage he has done and not do anything.

Many of you who know me personally know my past love story but only a few know what happened during the past year and what’s been happening until now. It’s been a while <deleted> since the last time I wrote on my blog and in this long while I’ve been thinking what I will write – do I speak my heart out through cryptic messages, through poems or spoken poetry? Do I write a song and scream it at the top of my lungs and let the hidden message come across my listeners or, in this case, readers? Or, should I just write what really happened why I posted such cryptic message before and why I am so mad at this particular person.

For the past months, I’ve been carrying such a huge burden inside my heart and the truth is: I am so broken and miserable because of this one particular guy. And I know that many of you wouldn’t believe that I – a strong and independent woman – am being shaken by a stupid matter of the heart.

His name is Jeremiah Salvedia, also known as, “Jaimy”. I met him through Christ’s Youth in Action. CYA is a youth-led Catholic charismatic organization that is an outreach of Ang Ligaya ng Panginoon Community. We are both in of Ligaya. Before I knew him, I’ve heard stories of his family being a missionary family and down-to-earth. When I met him, I was really struck by how nice he was to me. Initially, I thought his kindness to me was genuine.

Later on, we became friends and more than friends. When we were still friends, we used to hang around in the YC and watch movies. One mistake I committed is that I let him hold my hand and hug me while we watch movies. Moreover, we always talked day and night through text and whenever we’re in the same place. He used to give me hints about his crush in CYA UMC – which I already know that it’s me because of the fact that we have mutual friends. It was November 2015 when we started having a ‘thing’. If you know what I mean, we were on a Mutual Understanding phase with no label such as girlfriend/boyfriend. He cut it off the same month because he said – after a retreat which had a talk about giving up our ‘Isaacs’ and offering them up to GOD – that I was his ‘Isaac’ and he was going to give me up for GOD.

Although, 2016 came and he ‘returned’ to me, with much more passion and willingness to date me and such. Yes, for three months we’ve been dating and hanging out, we’ve been going out and watching movies and series together. Sometimes, in my house. Sometimes, in his dorm, which he also shares with his brother and a CYA friend. Many times, in our CYA Youth Center. At some point in our relationship, we were on and off; he cut off our ‘thing’ sometime in February 2016 just after he was interrogated by a brother leader about us which he answered that we were not together. After ‘cutting’, there were nights that we went out saying they would be the last time (imagine how many last times were there) – before the right time (IF there is). He would even say, “Last na to ha? Last na talaga.” After only a few weeks we got back together with no clarity if we were still together or just friends with benefits. He was usually the one insisting on cutting off our relationship but he also would be the one to come back and we would do the same things over again. And as we went back to our old doings, we didn’t usually talk what was our label exactly. Just like what I said, it feels like we’re friends with benefits but on a more serious note. It went on like that for months until after the holy week of March 2016.

On March 28, while I was struggling because of my friendship with another person and I was getting furious at him because I’m having a bad trip, he decided to – let’s say – break up with me. The reason that he stated that time is that our relationship was getting out of control. He doesn’t like to hurt me anymore because of the way he was. He kept on declaring that it was his fault and that his fault is leading me on and giving in to temptations. He said that he was hurting me a lot so he thought, he wanted to change for the better but in order to do that, he wanted to cut our relationship off. He wanted to be more mature and he even made a bet with me that someday, he will become more mature than me. He said many promises like, after finishing State of Life Discernment (in Ligaya, it is our way of life to have SOL at an age where a person is already established. Through SOL, we would know clearly if we are for marriage, for single blessedness or for celibacy), and if his calling is for marriage, he would definitely court me. I didn’t ask for this just in case you’re wondering. He presented himself. He said too many promises like he would date me when the right time comes and blah blah blah. At the same time, he said that he wanted to focus on GOD and his service to him and on his studies. [It was at this time that he admitted between the two of us that we were already like boyfriend/girlfriend and our relationship wasn’t right and I agreed.]

At first, it was hard for me to accept but eventually, I did. At first, I was struggling to trust him and his words but as time goes by, I thought I saw that he was becoming more mature than he was when we were together. There was even this time when I was bringing up a moment before our thing when he told me he wants to be my best friend and that he will do his best to be there for me as a friend. He replied that he only said that because of the romantic love he had for me before. It hurt me for real, knowing that the friendship he was offering and we tried to build was not as pure as I thought it to be. But I set that aside, telling myself that ‘at least he’s trying to be honest now.’ Only now, though, the thought haunts me. How will you take it if someone offered friendship to you and then you realize it was just because he or she liked you romantically and when he/she doesn’t have feelings for you anymore, he will stop being a friend?

Then, October came and I signed myself up for a Mission Trip to Bicol. Little did I know that he would come, too. I was then struggling with a depression but I was already in a recovery period. However, knowing that he would come with us to Bicol kinda made it hard for me to keep up with my recovery. Yet, I still went because it’s a service to GOD.

During our stay there, I noticed that he was flirting with a sister from CYA Bicol. When we came back to Manila, I found out through some friends that he was texting and chatting her. And so, I knew.

So, December came, and we became part of the UMC Choir for a Christmas Carol Fundraising. After one of our rehearsals, I came up to him and talked to him for a closure. I wanted to do that because I wanted to be holy and I want to clear off me everything that makes me impure. He told me that, he, too wanted to become holy and a saint. So, we agreed and parted ways.

Caroling night came. I knew that the sister’s birthday is the day after that night. (Credits to Facebook). After our caroling –  it was already midnight –  we rode the same service vehicle going home and I heard Jaimy saying that it’s the girl’s birthday today. He said to one of our friends who went to Bicol with us that he would greet her first. I had a funny thought in my mind.

So, as he got off from the vehicle, I said, “Uy! Birthday ng bago mong love interest ngayon a!” (Hey, it’s the birthday of your new love interest!) jokingly. I swear it was just a joke. But it provoked him.

That midnight, he texted me and scolded me for what I said to him earlier. I said it was a joke and he said it was a bad joke. It was a bad joke indeed. So, he went on ranting and telling many things like, “Nagpapadala ka na naman sa feelings mo,” (You’re getting overtaken by your feelings again), “You’re judging me for who I am not,” and many other things.

As for me, I was just constantly replying, “Okay, I’m sorry. It was a bad joke. I hope you’ll forgive me.”

He went on saying, “Gusto mo ng real talk? Bibigyan kita ng real talk.” (You want real talk? I will give you real talk) and I replied, “Stop it! You don’t have to do that. I already said I am sorry, so stop. Goodnight.” I was telling him to stop because I didn’t want to hear any more of those lies. I know he will just tell me the things that he told me before and doing so would really weaken my already cold heart towards him.

Yet, he insisted on giving me his “real talk”.

He said, again as according to him, that the reason why he cut our relationship off is because of SOL (State of Life Discernment). He said he knew that he is NOT YET READY to commit to a relationship because HE IS STILL A STUDENT and is not mature enough to handle relationships. He went on saying that he would never give up on me and on what he said before that he wants to be a better person for me, that he will be mature. But, according to him, IT WILL TAKE A LONG WHILE before that happens. Simultaneously, I was telling him to stop talking. B.S.

But he was already indignant to stop. He even said that “Ikaw lang ang babae sa buhay ko, aside from my mom.” (You are the only girl in my life aside from my mom). So, at the end of our conversation, he finally said, “Kahit ganyan ka, kahit ganyan ka sa akin, mahal pa rin kita.” (Even if you’re like that, even if you treat me this way, I still love you.) Alas, I had a meltdown. I knew that the stone-cold heart I’m building towards him just melted and hearing these words broke my heart again. I have already told myself not to believe in anything that he will say but I still did. And that time, I knew that I still love him and whatever he said really broke my heart and caught it all the same. Even if I just wanted to move on from him, I couldn’t, because he said things that really melted me away.

I knew that when I heard those words, I knew that a seed of faith was sown in my heart again. Knowing that he came from a good and down-to-earth family, that he treated me so nicely and that he said – with conviction – THAT HE WANTED TO BE A SAINT, too, after initially telling the same thought to him, that he is trying his best to be mature, I gave him another chance to prove himself. I have loved him, too. I love him and I was willing to wait for him as he said those words to me. I WAS FREAKING STUPID. WELL, HE MADE ME STUPID (Thank you very much).

However, only after two or three months, I found out that he was already flirting with another girl, his classmate from Philippine Women’s University – Princess Sanglay. I witnessed it myself the night when I saw him resting his arms on her while they were watching from a laptop. I gathered evidence from people to confirm if they have a thing and all of them were saying, “Halata naman sila, eh.” (They’re obvious). After that, I reported everything about us and about what I saw and collected to our leaders in CYA and to my pastoral leader in the community.

I learned THAT THEY WERE DOING THE EXACT SAME THING that Jaimy and I used to do – they watch movies together and many times alone in a room. They go out. They even used the Youth Center to do their “thing”.

One Thursday, I saw Jaimy’s name logged in in the guardhouse at 7:13 AM. Usually, the YC is open at 10 AM. AND. STRICTLY, NO ONE gets to open the YC aside from the leaders and few student leaders who are assigned on different days. For all I know, Jaimy is NOT one of the key holders. After his name, the girl’s name is logged in at 8:22 AM. All the time after that, they were alone in the Youth Center until 10AM or so. Thus, I reported to the brother leader in our organization. He confirmed that Jaimy is NOT supposed to open the Youth Center. He is not permitted to do so and the leader doesn’t know how Jaimy got a key. The stranger part is the fact that he and Princess stayed there TOO EARLY for the Youth Center to open – it is supposed to be opened at 10AM – and that THEY WERE ALONE. Records do not lie.

This is how Jaimy mislead other girls. I remembered that before and early in his 1st-year college (2015), there was a new girl who is about to enter college, too, that used to hang out in the YC. Jaimy told me that the new girl confessed that she likes him. He told me that he doesn’t like the girl because he likes someone else and that he wasn’t ready for a commitment. However, I always heard from people that the then new girl and he always hang out in the YC especially when there is no one around. I remembered that two alumni headed me up that they saw Jaimy caressed the back of the then new girl up to her butt. One of the alumni was even a former staffer.

Going back to 2017 and after the part where he and Princess stayed in the YC, there was this time after our Prayer Meeting when the girl was combing her hair beside the bag racks just beside the main door where I was standing. I am definitely seen there. Jaimy came to her and was just standing across her and smiled at her the way he used to smile at me. It really broke my heart that I couldn’t take it anymore so I called him out and I slapped him across the face.

Aside from that, I was part of this last May’s Sisters’ Household where sisters would live together for more than a week. I didn’t know that he was part of the counterpart Brother’s Household that time. Obviously, everyone in our CYA chapter knows that I am part of the sisters’ because of an outing where I came and went home with the household sisters. So, I know that he knows that, too. One Wednesday, we held an open house event in the sisters’ house – OUR house. But the event was organized by both Sisters’ and Brothers’ Household.

That was the day I knew that he was part of the household. I thought he wouldn’t come so I stayed longer than expected – because I was supposed to go somewhere else. But he arrived with his new girl. DAMN IT. I lost my control so I told him, “Fuckboy ka, ang kapal ng mukha mo, dinala mo pa talaga siya dito.” (You’re such a fuckboy. Your face is so thick. You even brought her here.) When I said this, HE JUST MADE FACE to me (you know, the mocking look of “nye nye nye nye nye” I don’t know how to call that) and there’s no remorse whatsoever. He doesn’t even feel any guilt. HE DOESN’T EVEN FEEL SORRY FOR WHAT HE DID.

I don’t know what he’s up to but HE KNOWS that I am a sensitive and jealous person. But he didn’t even consider what I would feel when he brought her in OUR house. I know it’s an open house. But DUH. He knows I would be provoked if he brings her there. He didn’t feel sorry whatsoever. I broke down that instant. My close friends knew what happened. I had another panic attack.

After household, I messaged few sisters that I knew were getting involved with him or he’s flirting with including the sister from Bicol. I messaged them with a warning against this fuckboy who is trying to lure them. The sister from Bicol replied saying that, honestly, they used to talk a lot after the Bicol Mission Trip and there was a time that she even failed an exam because of him. (I’m really sorry, sis, if I posted this but don’t worry, I won’t be saying your name.)

I even warned the girl he’s currently seeing now, but to my amazement, Princess Sanglay is more stupid than I thought because she still stayed with him despite all the warnings and all the discouragement of the leaders about their relationship. How could a wise woman let herself be swayed by an already-renowned F***boy? FYI, the girl is supposedly being evangelized by Jaimy. She’s already done with CLS now. This is how Jaimy evangelizes a girl, he flirts with them, and brings them “closer to GOD” but in reality, he gets temporary pleasures from them. He even uses the Youth Center of Christ’s Youth in Action for all their rendezvous and let the girl commit sin. Amazingly, the girl seems to like both of them telling lies. What liars we have. What hypocrites. He almost took away my womanhood while saying that I am the only girl he loves and no one else. Of course, I didn’t give it. I am not that stupid. And now that someone else is giving it to him, he couldn’t resist it. He would rather keep on sinning than be good and don’t get any worldly thing at all.

After that, a lot more happened, including the girl’s best friend confronting me – after eavesdropping and hearing me recount to a close friend of mine that I saw Jaimy and the girl’s name logged in early morning and that they were alone the whole time – and saying things like, “Why are you doing this to us? Why are you involving us?” And I was like, “Huh? Kailan kita in-involve sa issue na ‘to? Ni hindi ko nga binabanggit ‘yung pangalan mo?” (Huh? When did I involve you in this issue? I didn’t even say your name) and she replied, “Kasi kaibigan ko rin si Jaimy at nadadamay kami sa gulo niyo,” (Because Jaimy’s friend as well and we’re getting involved in your issues). I was surprised to hear that. I didn’t even. Oh, my goodness. I don’t know what’s up with Trisha Grace Policarpio (that’s Princess’ best friend’s name. Since you accused me of involving YOU in this issue even though I didn’t, then WHY DON’T WE actualize it? Be careful what you say. I hope you’re happy now that you’re getting INVOLVED) to come up front to me saying that I am involving her when in fact, I don’t even care about her. Reality check. Who is she in this issue? I don’t even think she has the right to yell at me when she doesn’t even know what exactly is going on. I mean, come on, she doesn’t even have any slightest idea what happened between me and her so-called friend and she only heard HIS SIDE to scream at me like that. WHO IS SHE?

So, I told her, “If you want to talk to me, talk to the leaders first.” Then I called a leader who was present that time. The argument went on and I said to her, “I cannot handle you that’s why I told you to talk to a leader first before talking to me.” It is true. I cannot. She has depression just like she always says and I have, too, and I don’t want to talk to her to explain myself and in fact, it’s none of her business to get involved in the issue. Guess what she told me. She screamed at me saying, “I CANNOT HANDLE YOU, THAT IS WHY I’M TALKING TO YOU!!!” I said to the leader who was there with us, “Oh, talk to her.” She walked out then I walked out, too. Come on, woman.

Up until now, I really don’t know what I did to Jaimy for him to do this to me. If he didn’t love me, he should have told me upfront that he didn’t want a relationship with me. BUT WHY WOULD HE TELL A LOT OF LIES? WHY WOULD HE NEED TO REASON OUT SOL AND GOD? Why would he say that moment that he still loves me then suddenly he has a new love interest? I thought SOL takes place when a person is already established – meaning he has a stable job, already graduated, already knows his plans and goals in life. And I thought SOL Discernment Process normally takes more than TWO MONTHS before a person finishes it.

I thought he was really good and nice. He came from a missionary family. I know his mother and his brother personally and they were so good to me. I always looked up to their family. I thought that he was just like them – so pure and nice. But I was wrong. He is the epitome of black sheep in a family. I never thought that he could do this to me, to a girl. He has been a part of Ligaya all his life, it was taught to him how to handle attractions well, what to do and what not to do when it comes to building a wholesome relationship with sisters and girls alike, it was taught to him that romantic relationships must be yielded in the right time. That’s why I put hope and faith in him that he would really eventually change for the better.

Right after he said that he still loves me, a faith was sown in my heart. I trusted him and his words. Call me stupid and hopeless romantic but I did because, during my time, NO ONE TOLD ME THAT HE’S NOT THE KIND OF GUY I THOUGHT HE WAS. I didn’t know that he’s only good at words but not at commitments. I didn’t know that he’s good at telling lies and making girls fall for him and leave them hanging. I didn’t know that he could hurt me like this knowing that he came from a family I looked up to so much. I didn’t know that while he leads worship, prayer meetings, and evangelistic events, he is just as lustful and worldly and hypocrite as the ones who don’t.

I couldn’t even see any integrity in everything that he told me and argued to me. He doesn’t even feel any guilt. He doesn’t even feel sorry for what he did. Yes, he doesn’t retaliate but he doesn’t feel ashamed either. It’s as if he doesn’t really care that I got hurt and I am hurting as long as he is happy now. All the things he told me were thrown into the air and everything he said about GOD and his faith to Him seemed to have disappeared. He might have looked like an angel to you all but he is indeed my devil. He EVEN made a monster out of me.

He doesn’t retaliate. Good. Because he has no right. After everything that he did to me, I deserve to be angry. At the same time, he doesn’t deserve to say that he is a disciple of GOD. Come on, they said he wanted to build a CYA in PWU. What? Through “EVANGELANDI” (Evangelization + Flirtation [Landi is Tagalog of flirt]) ??? Wow. Amazing. Well, good luck, everyone, if you will let him do as he pleases.

So, this is what happened. I don’t know what he told you about what happened to us but all the things I told here, I posted it so that everyone would see and know my side and that I am not hiding anything anymore. And I’m putting all my darkness in the light, unlike him, who loves lurking in the dark and dragging girls along with him. I posted it with great courage because I know that all the details I was saying are TRUE. Many of you who know me well know that I am a straightforward and honest person who doesn’t just make up stories.

People say he is a nice guy. He leads Prayer Meetings and Worships to GOD, he evangelizes people, he claims that he wants to be holy and he wants to be a saint. He said that he wants to be a better person. As far as I can see it, yes, he changed. HE CHANGED INTO A MUCH WORSE PERSON THAN BEFORE. (Hence, the verse on the opening paragraph)

One more thing is that when we still had a “thing”, he used to tell the leaders that there’s nothing between us whenever he is asked about us. Now that I told the leaders every single thing that has happened between us and what I and the people around saw and noticed towards him and Princess, he told one brother leader and the few who asked about them that there’s nothing going on between him and Princess. Dude, why do they keep on saying that there’s nothing between them when they let others see them that way? There’s nothing going on between them but everyone knows they’re together and they hang out and go on dates. One friend of theirs even confessed to me that he used to tag along with them as a third wheel on their dates and when he tried to confront Jaimy about it, Jaimy started avoiding him. Where is his integrity, man? I thought he wanted to be holy and saintly. I thought people’s personalities are affected by the way they were raised up. He was raised in a good family but why is he like that?

What’s more appalling is that he uses his friend’s dorm to do all his rendezvous with the girl. He used to do that with me. (Yep, and I feel violated already and I feel I violated someone else’s room, I’m really sorry, Matt.) Jaimy almost told me something about M’s friend doing scandalous things in M’s dorm when in fact he does exactly the same. (So yes, Matt, beware of Jaimy who uses your dorm like a motel whenever you and John are not around).

He told me before that he’s never going to do all the things he did to me and we did together to anyone else because aside from the fact that it is wrong, I am the only one he said that he loved. However, he’s been doing the exact same thing with Princess. I remembered him saying that he has no vices. It’s true that he doesn’t smoke nor drink alcoholics, but isn’t frequenting lustful acts counted as a vice, too? He likes getting physically intimate and I attest to that. I could testify that IT IS his addiction. He used to wrap his arms around me and hold my hand while we watch movies or recitals. He even tried to kiss me while I was asleep and these things happened when it wasn’t yet clear that we have a mutual understanding. So, of course, when we already confessed our feelings to each other, you could imagine far more than those aforementioned gestures.

As far as I can see, I could attest as well that he has changed for the worse. When it was him and me, at least I know that it’s both our first time to commit such mistakes. However, with the full knowledge that we’ve been doing is wrong, doing it again and with another person isn’t likely a mistake for him anymore – it’s what we call a habit. Doing a mistake more than once knowing that it’s wrong the first time it was committed is not a mistake but already a habit. It’s Jaimy’s habit to be physically intimate with the opposite sex. It is his habit to make a girl fall for him and then dump her if he didn’t get what he wants.

In terms of intercourse, I didn’t give him what he wanted despite the fact that I really love him and despite the fact that he tried really hard to get it. I knew it wasn’t the right time for that. If there’s one moment I had been wise during our relationship, it was THAT. For all I know, that could be the reason why he broke up with me. Truth is, he should’ve just told me outright the real reason why he cut our relationship off. He didn’t have to say things like SOL or reason out GOD. He could’ve just told me the truth instead of sowing seeds of faith in my heart and leaving me like that. I would’ve agreed to part ways with him right then and there if he told me the truth that he wanted to get something out of me and he couldn’t so he’s dumping me.

He could’ve just told me honest-to-goodness that he’s not ready for a serious relationship and what he needed was a sexual partner or someone he can get touchy-feely with. (I would’ve dumped him firsthand if I had known.)

On a note, I and a couple of sisters saw Princess one night in the YC and then when we were already in the car, we saw her running off from the ASI gate (where the YC in Manila is located). The next morning, I asked the other sisters who saw her running. They told me Jaimy was standing there at the gate. I don’t know what they talked about but I’ve got a clue. I was in the same situation. Although, after Summer Games, they got back together – posting pictures of them on Facebook and using YC again as their meet-up place and dating place. How could a community kid use YC like Luneta Park? How could a new girl be as thick as that knowing that the Youth Center is supposed to be a place for worship and evangelizing? I’m just wondering. How could the girl let herself be persuaded by Jaimy and make her tell lies? They are saying to everyone, to leaders especially, that nothing is going on between them when they’re practically obvious already. What did the girl learn from staying in CYA? As far as I can see, she’s corrupted by the one we call a blessed guy from a blessed family. What more is that they let me be attacked by their best friend and tell me stupid things when she knows for a fact what is going on between them. Trisha, why don’t you ask your best friend about the time when Jaimy and Princess stayed at the YC and no one else was there. And NO ONE EVEN APPROVED THAT JAIMY CAN OPEN THE YC? Why don’t you ask them where they go whenever they hang out ASIDE FROM YC? YOU KNOW YOURSELF WELL. Where do you think is your side? The good or the evil one? Somebody told me that a witness is no different from an accomplice of the crime-doer if the witness himself doesn’t attest to the truth. SO, THIS IS WHAT I CAN SAY TO YOU WHEN YOU FORCIBLY ASKED ME IF WE CAN TALK. Think first before you consider yourself a good friend or a bad friend.

As for now, I am glad that GOD already took him away from me. GOD knows if a person does well to you or not. Even if you love a person so much, if he takes you away from GOD then he’s definitely not good for you. If he causes you to sin – lust, dishonesty, disobedience to GOD’s teaching, anger, and worldly pleasures, to name a few – then what good would he bring to your life?

Jeremiah Salvedia literally means, “Prophet + Save the Day”. As far as I can see it, he doesn’t.

 

To J.S: If you are reading this, you know that everything that I said that you said is true. We can even contact Globe/TM and retrieve your messages as long as you be the one paying all the hassle. I don’t mind. We both know that I am telling the truth because you know how bad I am at lying and you know that I am an honest and straightforward person. I know that if you stumble upon this entry, you would be making faces again which show how inconsiderate you are to the people you used up really well and just for your benefit. EVEN YOUR OWN MOM TOLD YOU NA MALANDI KA. Your brother told me that. He told me that your mom talked to you about what you did to me and you even promised her you ended our relationship already and you won’t do anything like it again. Grabe hindi ka na nahiya sa sarili mong ina. Anong klase kang anak? Ang kapal pa ng mukha mo para sabihing ang personality ng isang tao ay base sa magulang niya. Tingnan mo muna sarili mo sa salamin bago mo sila ikumpara sa’yo. You’re nothing like them.

I even heard rumors that you impregnated Princess Sanglay. I guess that’s true. What a shame. People think you are a good person, you are nice and friendly, you’re such a leader. Yeah right, if people like you are going to be leaders – or a family man – I wonder what will happen to the next generations – and to your own children.

If you are thinking, I wrote this just so you’ll get back to me, remember this: I don’t want a maniac/liar/fuckboy in my life anymore.

I trusted you. But you made it clear that you are not worthy.

At last, one reason why I decided to put this on my blog – aside from warning you of who Jaimy Salvedia really is – is for those who are asking what happened and why have I become like this or whatever. This is where I am coming from and now you know. This is for all the people who became cold to me just because they don’t understand where I am coming from and keep on judging me for all B.S. there is.

Another is that… I FREEKIN’ COULDN’T CONTAIN IT ANYMORE!!! Ahhhhhh!!! I really feel like I am the unluckiest person in the world to deal with this kind of monster. He had me at my best but he chose to change me to my worst.

 

This is for the people who keep bullying and those who screamed at me and talked behind my back when they don’t even know what hell I am going through.

This is for the people who wanted to hear the story and wants to get “INVOLVED” or just for the heck of knowing it, whatever.

This is for the people who wanted to understand my situation but I couldn’t come across because I’m so tired relaying this information again and again. It was one of the reasons why I was compelled to just write it for everyone.

This is for the people who are misjudging me and are continuously blaming me for getting involved in the situation (when I didn’t even) and are blaming me when, in fact, I am the victim here. I have always been. And I could say that justice was never really served right. You have no right to tell me that I am not perfect to judge him. You don’t even know what I’ve been through because of him. This is just a summary of everything that has happened in the past year from when we were together and until now. If you judge me, then you should judge him, too, if you call yourself fair.

To be honest, I have loved him with all my heart and I was willing to wait for him but this is what I got for waiting – to be blamed for something I didn’t even start, to be misunderstood and to be judged. To be honest, I don’t think he deserves to be happy or to be called a “good” person. He doesn’t even deserve his righteous family. He only thinks of himself, always. If not, he should have taken to his heart what his mom and his brother told him after what happened to us, and what his leaders corrected about him. As far as I can see, every correction he received only went inside of his one ear and came out from the other one. He should’ve known better.

I know you all look up to him because he’s nice and he has a nice sense of humor. Believe me when I say I used to, too. However, it is true what they say that, sometimes, the people who we think are nice and kind are the ones who are the vilest inside. I testify to that. He is indeed the most vicious I have ever met in my life. In my experience with him, I could say that he is paasa, lecherous, opportunist, sexual, insecure, dishonest, disobedient, selfish and DARK inside out. This is a person who said to me that he wants to be a saint.

(SN: The terms I used to describe him are – I REPEAT – due to my experience with him so do not tell me I am wrong JUST BECAUSE you met him or have been with him while wearing a different mask but you didn’t even experience firsthand what I had. I know many other things about him that I’m not sure if he knows that I know but I’m choosing not to write them because it’s not part of my issue with him.)

Thank you!

A February Thought

Disclaimer: The day (or night) this thought was processed is uncertain – hence, the title. Do not assume otherwise.

So, I’m back in my little cocoon, just processing ideas and such. Then my mind stumbled upon a memory that made me certain about one thing. In the middle of the time when I and a friend parted ways, it suddenly occurred to me that I have a mistake that caused the demise of our friendship in the long run. At that moment, it was made clear to me that between the two of us – me and my old friend – I was the one who lost hope first.

I was deeply hurt that something unbearable happened between the two of us. And that awful pain struck me so hard that I forgot to take care of what was left. In all fairness to that person, the person tried such best to revive the dying relationship we had. During those times, it didn’t matter to me.

I was a selfish person to begin with – only caring about myself and what I feel. Aside from that, I was a pessimist, I tend to see only the bad things that are happening and anticipate what is worse and just go with it. I was a prideful person, too – trying hard to stay in my own shell when someone hurt me so bad and lock myself away from that someone. Above all, I lost hope – there were countless opportunities but the hurt continues to obstruct my eyes in seeing that there is, indeed, hope.

I was the first to lose hope. Admitting it was the even more hurtful part. Subconsciously, I didn’t want to admit that I took part in the downfall of our relationship. Just like what I said, I am truly prideful.

So, recently, it dawned on me that I let those opportunities slip from hand because I was busy noticing the plug from eyes and the hurt from my heart. I was busy growing a tree full of resentment and bitterness in my backyard and the fruits of this tree came abundantly in all seasons that it was already impossible to clean my on off of them.

Slowly and bitterly, the friendship died. It died in vain. All the memories died with it, too. In the past year, I continuously put the blame on the other person not realizing that I was the first one who gave the friendship up. Countless times I asked myself, “Why do I feel so bad?” Then, sure enough, as much as I haven’t forgiven that person, I haven’t forgiven myself, too. Likewise, I am uncertain if that person has already forgiven me for giving up first and putting all the blame on that person.

In the end, I learned to humble myself and accept the fact that I did something wrong, too. That no matter how grave that person’s error is, it didn’t mean that I have no fault myself. Not only was I liable for the destruction of our once-colorful friendship, but I was the one who terminated it first. As if, the person didn’t do any good. Truth is, that person is supposedly one of the best friends I ever had. That person loved me for who I was – selfish, pessimist, prideful and hopeless.

After bearing my mistake, I learned to ask forgiveness from myself. Then, of course, I forgave myself because I thought I might have put the burden to myself too much. I asked forgiveness from myself, too, because I knew I was liable for the ache I feel for losing a precious person. For a long while, I couldn’t see any hope to forgive that person for hurting me. However, due to this realization, it became easier to me to accept what happened to our friendship. Consequently, I’m learning to forgive that person as well – bit by bit.

We may not be able to get back what we have lost – after all, we’re already on our separate ways and there is a big possibility that our paths might not cross again – but the lesson I learned due to our partings gave me a notion that I should take care of few the friendships I still have with the few friends left with me. They’re the only ones I’ve got and I have learned the hard way not to take them for granted. In the same way, this lesson is something I can take as I build more friendships in the future.

A Shooting Star

A serendipitous tale once transpired

A lone wolf surrounded by extreme coldness;

A bright shooting star eventually chanced upon.

 

Charred the ice was

When hands held tight

A sudden gush flowed through their eyes

 

‘T’was an unremarkable picture

Of a mysterious wish

Agreed to be with one another

 

“Truly glad I am, to finally meet someone,

So tender and kind, cool in the midst of gloom,

Life’s stiffness unbent by a feathery stroke.”

 

The once lone wolf answered in a blush,

“Though thine fire was brought to soothe

Mine’s bitterness and angst.”

 

Yet, the light the star emanates

Didn’t promise a constant state

Of compassion and hopeful fate.

 

Though the light shines,

The fire engulfs without gaps

Charred not only the ice but the radiance.

 

How such lovely scene turned into dust?

The two hands break, they must

Memories – good and bad – created ash.

 

An inconsolable grief thrashed the night

Full of supposed warmth

From two people breathing almost as one.

 

What if the only way

to forgive such past

Is to get even with the one who passed?