A February Thought

Disclaimer: The day (or night) this thought was processed is uncertain – hence, the title. Do not assume otherwise.

So, I’m back in my little cocoon, just processing ideas and such. Then my mind stumbled upon a memory that made me certain about one thing. In the middle of the time when I and a friend parted ways, it suddenly occurred to me that I have a mistake that caused the demise of our friendship in the long run. At that moment, it was made clear to me that between the two of us – me and my old friend – I was the one who lost hope first.

I was deeply hurt that something unbearable happened between the two of us. And that awful pain struck me so hard that I forgot to take care of what was left. In all fairness to that person, the person tried such best to revive the dying relationship we had. During those times, it didn’t matter to me.

I was a selfish person to begin with – only caring about myself and what I feel. Aside from that, I was a pessimist, I tend to see only the bad things that are happening and anticipate what is worse and just go with it. I was a prideful person, too – trying hard to stay in my own shell when someone hurt me so bad and lock myself away from that someone. Above all, I lost hope – there were countless opportunities but the hurt continues to obstruct my eyes in seeing that there is, indeed, hope.

I was the first to lose hope. Admitting it was the even more hurtful part. Subconsciously, I didn’t want to admit that I took part in the downfall of our relationship. Just like what I said, I am truly prideful.

So, recently, it dawned on me that I let those opportunities slip from hand because I was busy noticing the plug from eyes and the hurt from my heart. I was busy growing a tree full of resentment and bitterness in my backyard and the fruits of this tree came abundantly in all seasons that it was already impossible to clean my on off of them.

Slowly and bitterly, the friendship died. It died in vain. All the memories died with it, too. In the past year, I continuously put the blame on the other person not realizing that I was the first one who gave the friendship up. Countless times I asked myself, “Why do I feel so bad?” Then, sure enough, as much as I haven’t forgiven that person, I haven’t forgiven myself, too. Likewise, I am uncertain if that person has already forgiven me for giving up first and putting all the blame on that person.

In the end, I learned to humble myself and accept the fact that I did something wrong, too. That no matter how grave that person’s error is, it didn’t mean that I have no fault myself. Not only was I liable for the destruction of our once-colorful friendship, but I was the one who terminated it first. As if, the person didn’t do any good. Truth is, that person is supposedly one of the best friends I ever had. That person loved me for who I was – selfish, pessimist, prideful and hopeless.

After bearing my mistake, I learned to ask forgiveness from myself. Then, of course, I forgave myself because I thought I might have put the burden to myself too much. I asked forgiveness from myself, too, because I knew I was liable for the ache I feel for losing a precious person. For a long while, I couldn’t see any hope to forgive that person for hurting me. However, due to this realization, it became easier to me to accept what happened to our friendship. Consequently, I’m learning to forgive that person as well – bit by bit.

We may not be able to get back what we have lost – after all, we’re already on our separate ways and there is a big possibility that our paths might not cross again – but the lesson I learned due to our partings gave me a notion that I should take care of few the friendships I still have with the few friends left with me. They’re the only ones I’ve got and I have learned the hard way not to take them for granted. In the same way, this lesson is something I can take as I build more friendships in the future.

A Shooting Star

A serendipitous tale once transpired

A lone wolf surrounded by extreme coldness;

A bright shooting star eventually chanced upon.

 

Charred the ice was

When hands held tight

A sudden gush flowed through their eyes

 

‘T’was an unremarkable picture

Of a mysterious wish

Agreed to be with one another

 

“Truly glad I am, to finally meet someone,

So tender and kind, cool in the midst of gloom,

Life’s stiffness unbent by a feathery stroke.”

 

The once lone wolf answered in a blush,

“Though thine fire was brought to soothe

Mine’s bitterness and angst.”

 

Yet, the light the star emanates

Didn’t promise a constant state

Of compassion and hopeful fate.

 

Though the light shines,

The fire engulfs without gaps

Charred not only the ice but the radiance.

 

How such lovely scene turned into dust?

The two hands break, they must

Memories – good and bad – created ash.

 

An inconsolable grief thrashed the night

Full of supposed warmth

From two people breathing almost as one.

 

What if the only way

to forgive such past

Is to get even with the one who passed?

 

Butterfly, Sunflower…

Here is a story of a girl who met a boy

Who gave her all the attention she never sought for.

Eventually, his flattery yielded her butterflies in the stomach;

She thought it would last but the same butterfly broke her heart.

 

He gave her butterfly she never asked,

A butterfly she thought would last;

Yet, as time goes by the story of the butterfly – she realized –

Is but an unending lie.

 

The butterfly boy flew away

Never wishing to return again;

The sunflower girl got her petals fall down like teardrops,

Sunny yellow drops that turned into gloomy black ones.

 

Days passed, months even, another year turned into a tragic past,

She saw the butterfly boy returned;

Still exactly the way he was when the sunflower girl met him;

Enticing, flattering, deceiving but somehow enjoying

A company of a new flower girl he found.

 

With sixteen petals and nine leaves, the new flower girl he found.

 

Personal Life Thought 2017

It’s not really a big thing when the calendar changes to another year. However, somehow I felt like the changing of the year to 2017 has been truly symbolic for me. As far I can tell, last year is one of the worst years I’ve ever gone through. I felt like 2016 is a year-long sleep full of nightmares and sad dreams.

So, when the awful year came to an end I knew that 2017 will be a whole lot different. Actually, I even thought that I took a leap from 2015 to 2017 and last year never existed. I even have this notion that the past year is not connected to this present and to the coming future.

Now, I reckon that I’m starting over with what’s left of me – scratch – which is good. I still carry with me the lessons I learned from last year. Besides, I am not saying that I don’t treasure the good friends I met the past year. Of course, I do. After all, we can still get something good from our sleep no matter how bad our dreams are.

My 2017 theme is CHANGE. I personally expect a lot of transformations this year. The year-long sleep is over so, as cliché as it sounds, 2017 here I come!

ALL IS WELL

ALL IS WELL.

We may have heard this a million times and some of us may already be losing confidence in those three words. Many of us may be thinking all is NOT really well, especially at the season of the year where ironically wars are happening everywhere; Typhoons, earthquakes and other disastrous calamities are overpowering mankind; and tyrant, cruel people are the rulers and reign. How could be there be such a Merry Christmas?

Clearly, we have forgotten what the praise truly mean – all is well as long as we believe, as long as we hope and as long as we trust GOD. Everything happens for a reason and God is always telling us to have faith in Him and trust His words. Darkness may have prevailed for a short period of time but if we think and act right, we’ll see that there’s a silver lining around, ready to shine and engulf the darkness.

Maybe it’s not only the problem of the world or the country you are involved in but you have your own as well. Challenges in everyday living often discourage us – people, traitors, financial crisis, broken love, family and friendship, frustrated career and miserable character and reputation are just a few of them but they’re big enough to destroy someone’s life. Additionally, we often think too much of them as problems without focusing much on their solutions. Then we act according to our short-term resolution without actually trying to establish a long-term one. And when we realize the wrong step we have taken, failure will gradually eat us and we let it, and it’s going to be all downhill from here. We let ourselves slide, we let our faith die.

But how could we welcome Christ our Saviour with sadness on our faces, wrath and anger in our minds and brokenness in our hearts? How can we be saved if the faith we were trying to build abruptly vanished in just a whip? Faith is never built with all joyfulness, good riddance and overwhelming successes. Faith is built by challenges, tragedies and failures. It shows when we smile, we sing and dance gracefully and we worship our Saviour’s glory amidst wreckages of life.

Always remember that in times of trials, in times where we face tough challenges, GOD has put us in that place because it will make us grow. It will make us a better person. During those times where we lost more than what we gain, he wants us to cherish more what is left. He wants us to know that we need it more than what was taken away because what was taken away has already served its purpose in your life. And at times where we need to sacrifice, God tests how much space in our life we can give up for Him to enter in. He wants to assess how far our love for Him can go.

True Possessions

 

On my way home, a high school girl rode the jeepney I am riding. She opened a pack of pretzel sticks that I like as well. I unconsciously watched her eat every stick lively and devoured each one of them.

Along the way, three impoverished children hitched themselves on the jeepney despite the mad driver’s refusal. In the end, he couldn’t do anything about the hard-headed rascals.

However, the girl with pretzels acted affectionately opposite of could be almost everyone inside the vehicle. She gave them her still an almost full pack of pretzels. I felt quite mad of her giving what she has devoured a while ago but then I felt guilty of feeling it. She just showed what a true child of God does.

When I had my prayer time later this evening, it’s about treasure – the kind that one can bring when the time comes he would be welcomed by our Father in His kingdom.

I was struck. All in all, it simply says, material things are just temporary. It all may seem worthy but it’s worthless. We still leave them when we face our judgment day. Our possessions today are useless when we go to our eternal life. What are best to bring are the things that we made to glorify our God and the time and resources that we spent and shared to do good? The things that we have given are the things that we could keep. They’re the true possessions God is wanting us to offer Him.

So, in the next days to come, I will do my best to share the blessings that the Lord has poured me. In every single day, I will give glory to His name. In every good deed I am doing I do them because I am also a true child of God. I will make treasures that will last eternally.

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